The First Exorcism

Photo courtesy Veritas Pictures

Today was fairly uneventful.  So I figured it would be a good point to start the exorcism of demons (or exes as some like the call them).  In chronological order, here is the condensed version of the significant men of my 20's.

The Mack
Oh, The Mack.  My first real adult relationship.  The first time "Love" meant something beyond scribbling his name on my paper-bag covered Algebra book.  The Mack and I met during our early twenties, dated like normal grown ups and broke up for normal, grown up reasons. The Mack was everything I thought I wanted in a partner: good looking, charming, athletic, funny, compassionate and a good lover. Unfortunately for me and the future men I would meet, he set my first bar.  Which is why years after our breakup, I left Banjo for him.  Turns out What If? is overrated.  The Mack may have started me down the Yellow Brick Road of emotionally unavailable yet beautifully enticing men.  But he was and is a great guy and we are on good terms to this day.

Patriot
As benign as The Mack was in retrospect, it demolished my spirit when we broke up the first time.  So much that I quickly drank myself into oblivion with my best "guy friend".  Patriot began as nothing more than a shoulder to cry on and buddy to take shots with.  As it all too often happens with vulnerable and naive (and skunk drunk) girls, it eventually turned into a short and toxic tryst. The full story of Patriot is quite depressing and I am just too contented right now to get into it.  A Patriot dedicated post will come sooner than later.

Banjo
Poor Banjo.  He was my first Crazy. An alcoholic musician, he was fun as hell in the beginning.  Once the PBR Can Pyramid in his living room took over the recliner, view of the TV and pathway to the bathroom, I got bored.  We only dated a couple of months before my interest quickly lost steam.   Sadly, Banjo fell HARD for me.  When I returned from a few weeks out of the country to end things... let's just say he didn't adjust well.  He spent the next 2-3 years harassing and occasionally stalking me.  Eventually, via email I told him "Go Fuck Yourself or I'm getting a restraining order."  I hear he now has a nice girlfriend. 

Gator
Like The Mack, Gator was pretty benign.  He was and is a nice guy with whom I stay in touch.  However, I did not get out unscathed.  For just a little under a year, we spent nearly every other day with each other.  Befriended one another's social circle.  He got to know my family.  All that relationship-y stuff, right?  Well at End-Time, I was surprised to hear he never thought it was actually a relationship.  Hmmm.  Fast forward a few years and I have learned to love the mantra "It ain't exclusive until he says it is, Honey."  Little bit of fuckery but I got over it.

The Wrecking Ball
He entered my life with such intensity and force that when he left it, I was standing in a pile of rubble.  He gets his own post.  Another day.

Princess
Really, Princess doesn't entirely belong on this list as he was NOT a significant man in my life.  We only dated a brief period of time but the complete fuckery and hilarity of his story is just too good to omit.  To be kind, Princess is a steaming pile of his own vain, rose-smelling shit.  Our courtship was my first attempt at anything beyond booty-call-status since The Wrecking Ball.  After about 3 months of regular dating and a couple of "what are we" talks, I discover he had been exploring Polyamory.  What's more, I was enlightened by finding evidence rather than him telling me like a man.  The responsible adult would have considered this pertinent information to a budding relationship and would have disclosed it in the beginning.  I am not to judge the lifestyle choices of others, but polyamory is not my bag. 
Here is how our last conversation went:
P: Are you okay?  Why did you leave?  Are you mad at the book?
C: No, I am not mad at the book. I am mad at your explanation for it.  I feel gross and need to soak my vagina in bleach.
P: Don't feel that way.  There hasn't been anyone else since I met you.
C: Yet, you mean? How long would that have last?
P: I would have told you before I involved anyone else.  I still want you to be my Main Girlfriend.
C: Gross.  Listen, I have already been on the fence as to whether or not our thing is working for me.  This just sealed the deal for me.
P: Well, what if we date and just aren't intimate?
C: No.
P: Well can we be friends?
C: No.
P: This is why I didn't want to tell you.  I was afraid it would scare you away and you would want nothing to do with me.
C: You were right.
Good luck to Princess with his Harem.