All or nothing

So much for my rejuvenating weekend of solitude. Moments after developing my plan to give myself a time out, Sister called to tell me that we're taking Dad out to lunch today (Sunday). I suppose somewhere in my fucked up logic, I figured that if I couldn't have the whole weekend to myself, I might as well throw out the whole idea. Friday, it didn't take much for me to talk myself into having a happy hour beer with my friends. It also didn't take much for me to then partake in the dinner my neighbors / landlords were hosting that night, where I naturally stayed up too late and drank one too many Mango Mojitos (they were delicious). Where did that get me? Waking up for work with a slight hangover, then back to drinking more beer and eating bar food with Sister yesterday.

Why do I do that? All or nothing? Why couldn't I have just told myself that since lunch with Dad was in the cards, I'd have to make extra sure my solitary time was well spent? Instead, I let myself have an attitude that one little kink in my plans meant "screw it all." Now, it is Sunday and I only have 2 hours until I need to start preparing to meet up with them. My apartment is not clean, I have not done the things I needed to do, and more importantly, I do not feel well rested for the daunting work week ahead.

I do this all or nothing with much of my life. If work is going crazy and I am unable to 100% focus on a certain task, I just say "fuck it" and play solitaire in between phone calls rather than using what little spare time I have to be productive. If I am going to go out for a drink, I usually just say "fuck it" and end up drinking many more than just one. If I eat junk food at lunch, I just say "fuck it" and continue to eat like crap the rest of day, if not the rest of the week. If I am attracted to one person, I am completely incapable of being attracted to anyone else. I am such a serial monogamous person, that I can't casually date, talk to, or have an interest on more than one man at one time.

Which brings me back to hot new guy from last weekend. I haven't been as neurotic as I could be, but he still has yet to call or text to ask me out, or just to communicate at all. Therefore I have been over-analyzing and replaying all of our meeting in my head. When discussing the timing of our next meet up, he did mention that it likely would not have been this last week as he was really busy. So I hope that he is just waiting to call until he can actually propose a time to get together again. Normally, if a guy hasn't called me within eight days of getting my number, I would pretty much forget about him. But (big but here), when he left my apartment last Saturday, he called me on his walk to tell me that he thinks I'm awesome and can't wait to see me. He later also sent a text that it was the best walk of shame ever. Now, call me crazy, but if a guy wants to get the hell out a girl's apartment and never see her again, he isn't going to dawdle, drinking coffee and hanging out with her for five hours. (Exception to this would be if she was giving up the pu-nanny, which I wasn't) And he sure as shit isn't going to call her and text her that same day. He would bail at his earliest opportunity and he would just never communicate with her again.

It has now been eight days since that communication from him. There could be any number of reasons he hasn't reached out. He could truly be as busy as he said he would likely be. As mentioned, he could be waiting to call until he can set up a legitimate date. He could also be confused, wondering why I haven't been blowing him up all week. He could have lost my number (though that would be a pathetic excuse). So now what? Do I shoot him a text asking how his week was, and risk sounding impatient? Or do I just wait and risk never hearing from him again? I met him one night. If I don't hear from him, I'll eventually forget about him and get over it. But for awhile there will undoubtedly be some "What's wrong me? What happened?" thoughts going on and I will beat myself up, trying to figure out what I could have done differently to encourage a different outcome..

Again, it's all or nothing. I make a move, or I don't. And in the meantime, this interest that I've had for a man I've spent a total of twelve hours with and put me in blinders. And I haven't found anyone even attractive since. No wonder I am still single. I put all my eggs into the basket of one person, I met one time.

This all or nothing, give up, sort of attitude is reckless, damaging and immature.